Waiting to exhale...my journey as a mom

For all parents of children who are struggling with addiction . This blog is for you.   

I have wanted to write on this blog for quite some time and reach out to parents who have a son or daughter struggling with addiction.

As the title indicates I am a mother of a young adult daughter who is in recovery now for 35 months.  Life is so much better for her and for our family and  trusting is a "decision" I make every day, but its hard to trust that the pain won't creep back in... so I am "waiting to exhale".

Over the years it seems when I have thought the worst was over, something would happen and bam..."chaos" would erupt all around me. I would feel every muscle in my body tighten, as if I was holding my breath. It has been very painful and I hope that my words today will possibly help other parents going through the same thing.

I had no idea of my daughter's addiction to alcohol and drugs. It started some time in high school. My chaotic world came crashing down the first week of March, 2009. I received a couple of phone calls and emails from some friends of my daughter who were very concerned about her. She had dropped out of spring semester and still living in the town where she had attended college and seeing a therapist a couple of times a week. The friends had told me they were worried because they thought she was using drugs and hanging out with some people who also used drugs. I spoke with her a couple of times and she assurred me that if she needed help she would ask for it. The one thing I always trusted was that she did ask for help, but the friends persisted. Her dad and I traveled to see her and I saw before me a person who was pale, gaunt, with wild colored hair. We argued, screamed and left. I remember thinking to myself "who was that person? and where was my little girl?"

After talking to her local therapist she assisted us in doing an intervention.

And so began our journey.

I naively thought that 42 days in treatment would be enough and she would be " ok" again. She went
to another facility for 90 more days and during this time I called a friend who had discovered a long term residential program in her hometown in GA. After that first summer we toured this place and other " sober living" options. I cried often and saw places that I knew would not support her sobriety. Hint: when you see people still sleeping at 12:00 pm, no structure in their lives and say " well, relapse just happens" it's not a good place to be. Relapse happens because you don't work your program: "meetings, sponsor, working the 12 steps."

Ultimately she chose another place and within a month, had relapsed. If I had forced her to go initially to my first choice I know she would have sabotaged herself, so now I had some leverage. I also had the guidance of two young women ( my angels ) who were addicts and in recovery. They both had gone through this long term residential program. One in particular gave me the courage to stand my ground and insist she go or she was on her own. She helped me find my voice. Thank you "S".

My daughter had to commit to a minimum stay of 12 months, miss the upcoming holidays, no phone, no computer, and only have minimum phone contact with us.
It was a 6 hour car journey to this place and thus began the slow, painful process to recovery.
She ultimately stayed for 25 months and I have my daughter back. She has learned a great deal about herself and her pain, secrets and poor coping skills have been replaced with a solid recovery program that includes daily 12 Step meetings, a sponsor and a supportive network of sober friends.

It was also  here that my journey began as well. I started going to Al Anon meetings. I was very angry and resentful that I had to be there. I also sought help privately with a therapist.  I  learned about a "Collegiate Recovery Community" (CRC) on the campus of Georgia Southern University too. Though I knew it would be awhile before my daughter could finish her education, knowing there was a supportive program on campus was comforting to me since college is full of daily triggers for students in recovery.
I discovered that there was no such program in NC, and so with the help of Texas Tech that has a 25 year CRC program, and a friend who knew a Vice Chancellor at UNC Charlotte, I was able to set up a meeting about starting a CRC. As divine providence would have it, the National Conference on collegiate recovery was the following month in Texas, so one of the  people I met with went and thus became committed to starting one here at UNC Charlotte. I am grateful for this opportunity to promote and grow the new Collegiate Recovery Community at this university. They are the first to offer support to students in recovery and happy that other schools in NC are joining the cause to form more CRC's in the state.

I was asked to start networking with treatment centers and specialists in addiction to get the word out about the CRC at UNC Charlotte and in this past 1 1/2 years, I have met many people and learned a great deal about addiction, treatment options and Collegiate Recovery. My best teacher is my daughter.  I learn from her every day. I am grateful to so many people along the way. The friends who initially called me with concerns, her therapist and all those involved in her treatment and subsequent recovery. The team at Lee Street Recovery saved my daughter's life and helped her build a healthy relationship with me.

If you are a parent trust your gut , stop the madness and reach out for help for both your child and for yourself. If I can be a source of help, reach out to me through this blog.

Tomorrow, October 15, 2012 marks 3 full years of sobriety for my daughter.
Waiting to exhale is getting better.
One day at a time.